Yesterday my boyfriend DG published a blog about one of his ex lovers. Actually, many of his entries are about previous loves and relationships. I like reading his blog. It allows me to peek into a different part of his life. It is not common that you are able to read about your boyfriend’s past loves and conquest. His blog is his space…and he should be able to write his feelings and thoughts. He is a good writer. He clearly thinks a lot about what he is going to write (unlike me). I guess reading back on his entries, I wonder if our relationship is that significant or is it just one of many chapters in a long book. I cannot help but feel a bit insecure about what he writes about….”falling in love with others.” I cannot help but think if one day I will be the subject of one of his entries. DG has been very good to reassure me about his feelings towards me and our relationship. And that gives me a sense of security. But the insecurity does creep in at times…..Or maybe I'm just a neurotic and needy emotional high maintenance latino boy!

I had a cyber discussion with Victor about values and compromises when it comes to relationships. I really like Victor’s ability to think about the deeper issues in life. He has this philosophical aura about him, maybe it was the fact that he completed a PhD and has this scientific approach to problem solving. In either case, sometimes I think Victor is as lost as me in this search for meaning and happiness. He has been looking for happiness and meaning since his last relationship. I think he does not want to admit it, but I think he is looking for that special person who will complement him…not complete him. He has been having fun in the meantime, shagging lots of guys and getting to know Manacle.

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My grandmother actually believes that the only way to be safe is never to be secure. She says insecurity actually forces us to do our best. I can remember being insecure with my body when I was as young as ten. My older brother seemed the perfect son, brother and athlete. His body was developing more quickly and accurately then mine. He developed a deeper voice, chest hair and a bigger chest more quickly and at a younger age than me. My insecurities over my body continued when I moved to Sydney and went to the beach for the first time. Back then I was way too skinny and slim. As I hit my 30s this year (I am a bit chunkier), I have been able to keep my body insecurities at bay…they only creep up when I go to the gay beach or I am stuck on a dance floor where everyone has their shirts off. The other area of my life full of insecurities are in my relationships: friendships, romantic relationships even sexual relationships. Will they like me? Will they accept me? Am I a good fuck? Is my dick large enough? We have all asked ourselves these questions. Unlike body insecurities, age does not make these insecurities disappear.

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So today he asked me about what attracted me to DG and to men in general. Interesting question….my answer has changed as I have been getting older and wiser. When I was younger, I had this long list..and a potential boyfriend had to meet all of the required criteria. I was searching for perfection…in an imperfect world. Now…my values have changed. I value honesty, loyalty and emotional availability. Sure there always has to be an underlying physical attraction…but there also needs to be some compromise. No one is perfect and you won’t find the perfect man. Maybe someone will only meet a few of the criteria. Often, we are too quick to judge someone…too quick to rule them out. It almost happened with DG, I am glad I took a closer look. And saw the real him.

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I can’t help but think that maybe in the past I failed to take a closer look..and maybe let a lot of nice guys pass me by simply because they were not my type. I have tended to put guys into boxes...friend, lover...my type, not my type...instead of looking at the individual....Allowing yourself to find love and accepting someone who is not perfect is not settling...it is just being human. Today...it seems that settling has been replaced with perfection….if I am not perfect how can I expect my significant other to be? And without compromise, how can two people prosper in a relationship?

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